Just Say No

Do you find it hard to say no?

Permit me to play out this scene:

The phone rings. You pick up.

During the conversation your friend asks you for a favour. You listen then agree to help.

Moments later. Beep. Your phone flashes. It's a new message.

Another request. This time it’s from a family member. You read through, check your calendar and text back agreeing to help.

The following week, its more of the same. Or perhaps you volunteer your services even though you know you don't have the time.

Then one night you find yourself lying in bed. The lights are off. You're wide awake.

You can’t sleep. Your mind is in overdrive. You do a Homer, “D’oh”, as you realise that you’ve done it again. You’ve said yes to everything.

As you carry out a mental inventory of your ever growing to-do's you realise that most of them belong to other people. But how could this be? 

Most likely you said 'yes' because you love them and sincerely wanted to help. But now you're wide awake in the middle of the night feeling overwhelmed. Does this sound familiar?

I think back to my life a few years ago and this was my average week.

For some reason I hated saying 'no'. I hated feeling like I was letting someone down. Or that if I said 'no' I’d be considered a bad friend or not a team player.

It didn’t matter if it was for work or for play, my response was the same: Yes.

As a result, I’d put in the extra hours and work late.

Or I’d trek to the other side of London in the blistering cold to attend a party only to stay for an hour so I could catch the last train home.

Or someone would tell me their troubles and I'd spend ages thinking of ways to help them. Taking on their burden as if it were my own.

Needless to say it was tiring and I felt stressed. A lot.

I’d often commit to doing too many things and later feel, over-worked, over-tired and under-valued.

And what did I have to show for my efforts? Not much - usually a headache, sore feet and a cold. Not fun.

I’m sure you can relate because I think it’s written in our female programming to help, or say 'yes', or be there, or whatever vernacular you wish to use.

Don't get me wrong, I think its fabulous to live a life where you give yourself to others. 

In fact I am an advocate for living a life that is generous, open-hearted, understanding and positive. I think it’s wonderful that we can be so giving of our time and energy. And 

I truly believe that helping others is not only the right thing to do but it's healthy for our souls and makes us better people. Absolutely.

Nevertheless, believe it or not sometimes the right answer is 'no'. I appreciate that it's sometimes hard to say which is why, if you're anything like me, you probably try to give it a wide berth. But the truth is saying 'no' sometimes is necessary if only for your own peace of mind and well-being.

One night - probably when I was unable to sleep due to reasons outlined above - I stumbled upon renowned psychiatrist Dr Ned Hallowell.

Here’s something I picked up from him that I’d like to share with you.

When you are asked to do something try replying with something like, “I’ll have a think and get back to you.”

Piece of cake, right? But one of the biggest problems I found was feeling like I had to give an answer straight away. For some reason I'd feel pressured into saying something right there and then. But guess, what? There was no pressure. It was all in my head.

I also love that Hallowell's suggestion is so simple and polite, whilst providing us with some breathing space in which to consider our options and make a rational decision.

Of course there will be times when an immediate answer is required but in all other instances we can take our time.

Really think it over - reviewing all of our existing demands and come to a decision that's right for us.

So, if 'no' is the answer you need to give then you could try this, “I don’t think I could do it (whatever it is) justice”.

Again, its so simple - heck, I wish I'd come up with it!

Of course there will be times when further explanation is required but it's not a bad place to start.

Plus it can be used when dealing with colleagues, friends or family - pretty cool, huh.

Here's something worth noting. The time spent on doing this 'favour' will be at the expense of something else because there's always a trade-off. In choosing to do one thing you are ultimately deciding not to do something else.

But here's the rub.

These things that we often sacrifice as a result of our yes's, are often the most important things in our lives. Things such as date night with our partners, quality time with our kids and time devoted to ourselves, etc.

It took me a long time to realise this but when I did I began to make different choices.

I decided to block in time in my calendar every week where I'd spend quality time with Millie, Muffin and Mister Riley.

This is one-on-one time with that person. It's a permanent fixture - No swapsies. So when something else shows up unexpected I can deal with it outside these times rather than at the expense of them.

I find taking the time to put it in the diary saves a lot of pain in the long run.

My feeling is this. If it's important to you, no matter what it is, block it in your calendar so you do it.

Plus sync up with your partner so they know your desires for the week. Who know's that long bath or that good book in bed or that glass of vino and a film could be waiting for you when you get home if your partner knows you want them...could make for a fun night too!

I think it's important for me to add that in no way am I suggesting you become selfish, uninterested, uncaring or self-absorbed. Far from it. I'm all in favour of lending a helping hand - 100%. This is merely a tool you may wish to try during moments of heightened stress so you don't take on more than you have to and so you don't neglect those soul-enriching experiences your heart yearns for.

Before I go, I'd like to leave you with a couple of quotes that work as beautiful reminders for why it's worthwhile saying the N word - the second is a personal fave so, go ahead and tweet it out yo!

"Saying yes to happiness means learning to say no to the things and people that stress you out." - Thema Davis

"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, unapologetically  - to say 'no' to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside." - Stephen R. Covey

Here's to your naysaying fabulousness!

Much love, 

Nat x

PG Q: How do you say no?

Discover more about  Dr. Ned Hallowell here.